BOBNOBBIN'

Thanks-thinking

2009-11-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

Long time no see, blog.

I guess I’ve left this blog to be a receptacle for thought when thought strikes, and is of the degree that writing more than 140 characters is necessary. Does this mean that I don’t do anything large-scale and noteworthy anymore? Does this mean that I never did in the first place, yet I felt the need to spam something down on “paper” because I had no other outlet? No, neither, I’m not going to take myself and my mind that seriously. Honestly, I’ll get the bug to write my thoughts down from time to time, but I’ve been ignoring it in favor of everything else going on in my life.

I’m enjoying my job. I enjoy the people I work with, and I enjoy the possibility of finding my niche in a weird and over-complicated industry. I’ve always been excellent at learning complicated, esoteric procedures, so I should fit right at home in the medical insurance industry. That being said, I maintain that I’d gladly lose my job if it meant universal health care took over, though that would require a universal health care takeover of a very isolated aspect of the game; workers compensation isn’t going anywhere, at least not for a generation.
So here I am, it’s Thanksgiving, and I’m reading Facebook quotes from people telling me what they’re thankful for. I have a lot to be thankful for as well, and I don’t want that to go unnoticed. I thank my mother and father for being the best parents a kid/pre-teen/teenager/young adult/adult could ask for, and I’m glad to list them among my closest friends. I’m thankful to my friends for being there through even the worst conditions & situations, especially considering the crap I’ve been through over the last three years. I’m thankful to my job, and all those involved, for not only giving me the opportunity to dig myself out of my own rut by working hard on something that certainly needs working on, but also believing that I’m capable of doing so and doing it well. This list could go on and on, for sure.

…But here’s something I’m not thankful for: not being home for the holidays. I hear people complain about having to spend Thanksgiving with their family, all I can think is it must be hell hating your family so bad that you’d rather be doing something else. Life isn’t fair, eh? These folks can’t stand being near their family, yet they are. I want nothing more than to be near mine, and I can’t afford to get up there. This is my second Thanksgiving away from family; the first was back in the fall of 2005 when I was in Atlanta. All I had was Rita, who by that time had basically abandoned the ship of our relationship, and had the mental capability of a popped zit, and Brad, who honestly I can’t credit enough with keeping me sane through that time. I remember sitting in my office thinking to myself how badly I wanted to pack up and head home, see friends, be with my family, and get back into my groove. That thought never left me through my time in Atlanta.

In June of 2006, seven months after those thoughts first infiltrated my brain, I was all loaded into a 36 foot Penske truck and on the road back to Seattle. Rita had been as much a catalyst as my own thoughts, however, and I came later to find out that she was in heavy talks with people I had never met, but I digress. The point is I ended up heading home, spending the next thanksgiving with her family, then working relentlessly to bring my parents back to Washington, from Georgia themselves, to “complete” the picture that I had been craving for so long. Long story short, the seeds planted in late November of 2005 got me back to Washington.

Why is this important? Well, I’m here in Orange County CA, a 2.5 hour flight from where my family lives, and I’m experiencing my second holiday season away from home. This sucks, however I don’t feel the same doom surrounding everything that I did in 2005. I know that I’m a very cheap and quick flight from family and friends, and that I’m down here for a reason. I’m down here to clean up the mess that I made over the last few years, through the divorce, losing the house, quitting the job and piling up the debt. I’m also here to find my groove, and I’m doing so.

I’m in my office thinking about how badly I want to pack up and head home, see friends, be with my family, and then, just as before, get back into my groove…

…by flying back to Orange County.

Happy Thanksgiving, internet.

(PS: To those in Washington that want to see me and say hello, know that I’m trying to put together a vacation in early 2010, once I’m more firmly planted on my feet.)

Welcome to sunny southern California!

2009-05-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

I suppose I’m not the first to be drawn to this area, especially in spring time when folks are prone to moody foul weather related depressions, it’s not that strange for someone to want to jump ship and land somewhere sunnier.

I simply cannot stand that Pacific North West weather any longer. I love the summers in Seattle, I’d even bet they’re the most beautiful in the country, and I’ll certainly miss the Seattle August once it rolls around, but that doesn’t make up for the Seattle February. Suffering through 9 months of misery to get 3 months of quality isn’t worth my mood swings. I used to scoff at Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe it’s not BS after all.

It’s not just the sun that I’m attracted to, as important as that may be. I’m finding out as I get older that the professional environment in Seattle is very unique. Maybe it’s just my own personal experiences, maybe it’s unfair to make a bucket statement about work conditions in a region, but having work jobs in multiple counts, both in office and out of office, both entry level and experienced positions, I can tell you that I’ve noticed a working culture that I am not fond of.

As wordy as I am, I’m at a loss to explain the exact mechanics of what it is that makes Washington work so much different than work I’ve experienced in other locations. The only specific that comes to mind is the in-the-now decision making that I can’t seem to get away from (or save myself from.) I found a different work culture in Atlanta, and I liked it much more, despite my issues with the south in general. I’m sure I’ll find the work culture here in LA to be equally as different.
I love Seattle. Seattle is my home, always will be, but I need to be in the middle of a fire or I won’t harden. When I’m comfortable, when things just work, I dig myself a rut and live in it. I cannot afford that comfort zone, it’s damaging to me.

So, for the time being, I’m a southern Californian. We’ll see how the job hunt and living situation goes over the next few months; I’m lucky enough to have a friend here that’s willing to help me get a running start. I hope to find myself a bit more down here. By that I mean I hope I can place more importance, and therefore invest more time into the things that make me truly happy. Playing music, getting in shape, eating right, being active; all things I need to shift my focus towards.

I’m only a short flight away from visiting friends and family in Washington. If all goes well and I stay here, I’m sure I’ll take advantage of that flight many times.

2 years

2009-02-16T01:12:00.000-08:00

It’s been two years now since my marriage began to fail. Insignificant was the marriage itself ending; the relationship was trash by then. I don’t miss having a wife, I don’t miss having my ex wife in particular. I’ve said many times that I’m glad it’s over.

What stings today, 2 years since the event, is that I’ve still not found out how to be motive to be excellent for myself. The entire time I was married I had a motivation that I never felt before, a motivation to do everything and anything I could to the best of my ability to provide, to put a good roof over our heads, to make sure everything was comfortable and easy. I excelled at that job, I did an amazingly fantastic job, I never left us wanting, and we lived in abundance. This was the fruit of my motivation. I learned a lot about myself in that time; I learned that, when motivated, I can move mountains.

Now, two years removed, I’m a spitting image of what I was at 19: single, unmotivated, lazy, and numb to most emotions and responsibilities. Laying in bed tonight, thinking things through, I felt a sting I haven’t felt in a long time, a sting of hopeless wonder, a sting of confrontational necessity. When my marriage, my motivation, began to crumble, I remember lying in bed wondering, in mental anguish, what I’d do with myself. My entire successful foundation was built around that institution being in place. I wondered to myself what I’d do to keep myself moving forward, to make sure I was comfortable and safe, to make sure I provided for just myself. It was such a foreign feeling at that time, and I never really embraced it any further.
Now, tonight, for whatever reason, I’m thinking of it again, and the sting is just the same. What motivates me? What motivates anyone? I’ve found the simplest elements of life to be the best: love, friendship, happiness, excitement. I’ve found that those elements motivate me to the same degree that my marriage motivated me. The thought of a career, however, does not motivate me in any way, and that scares me. Its due time I figure out what it is I want to do with my life, and I get on with doing it.

The failures I’ve had in the last two years; quitting my job, letting my house default, starting and promptly failing school, gaining more weight, they’re all things I wish I hadn’t done, but was never motivated to fix. My motivation, if I had any, was completely wrong in these areas. Given the right motivation, all of these issues would have been handled in a successful way, I have that much faith in myself and my abilities.

I think the tune for 2009 is motivation. I need to find out what pushes me, and run with it. I need to find out why the simple long-term understanding of the benefit of something is not enough for me to engage myself. I need to figure out why I become the most headstrong motivated person in the world once another individual in thrown in the mix, and I’m doing it for them. Maybe I need to focus my career along those lines.

I’d love a good new job, and I’m working on making my resume as attractive as possible.

I’d love to lose a bunch of weight, and I know that can be obtained with hard work and perseverance.

I’d love a simple apartment, and I know that is easily obtainable with the right income.

I’d love to be near my friends, and that’s something I can do without much effort.

I’d love to do something more with my music, maybe actually record a few songs.

I’d love to read more, I felt great about finishing that last book.

I’d love to get outdoors more, and I’m certainly lucky to have the friends I do in that regard.

I’d love to enjoy my daily time with friends and family, and that’s just a matter of attitude.

I’d love to be thankful for things instead of angry about things I don’t have, and that’s in the works.

I’d love to understand myself, why I fail, and work to eliminate that.

I’d love to succeed at something and feed off the accomplishment feeling.

I’d love to look back at 2009 and call it the year I found my motivation. That’s my goal.

March 1st, I’ll be moving back with my parents for a bit. This will give me some time to reflect on many things, go through my stuff, submit resumes and go to interviews, and just focus on me, what makes me tick.

Wish me luck, guys.

The House

2008-12-22T04:08:00.001-08:00

I may never purchase property again. I can guarantee you that I will not purchase property again before I turn 40 unless I come into a great sum of money, or marry into money. Since I am vehemently against marriage, the latter is most likely impossible. In April of 2007, my ex and I purchased a house in west Gig Harbor WA for $232,000.00. In September of 2008, that house was repossessed, and it’s going on auction the day after Christmas. The house itself was great, I felt very comfortable there, and at times I wish I still lived there. It was a brand new 3bd 2ba home on a typical cul-de-sac lot in a neighborhood that, at the time of purchase, was making great strides towards cleaning up and becoming something special.

The house has two living areas, both of which I used quite well, and a decently large kitchen. In all, it was a great house to start off with, provided the income was there to keep the payment up. Yeah, whoops. I was able to keep it up for nearly a year, however, and that’s why I’m now staring at more than 10k in credit card debt, but that’s another story. The house was fantastic, and I often wish I still lived there. Well, I wish I lived in the house, not the neighborhood. That whole area sucks. Sorry if you’re attached it in some way, just know it isn’t for me.

The downfall of it all came when I decided to purchase it with you-know-who. I really shot myself in the foot on that decision.

[[RANT WARNING]] - (I’m going to rant about my ex for a minute. If you want to skip this part, just jump down to the next paragraph break.)

When my cunt of an ex wife decided that it was time to call our marriage quits, our nice new house loan was less than a month old. (I’m reminded of Adam Sandler’s’ line “Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!” from Wedding Singer.) I found out rather quickly that one person making a workman’s salary cannot expect to pay a $1700 a month mortgage by himself. I remember confronting her about this fact at her work (when she was still employed with Wal-Mart, before they fired her for not showing up.) I asked her if she had planned on helping me out with the mortgage while we sorted things out. Of course she wouldn’t, she said, she didn’t live there. She told me I should be able to handle it. I guess that’s why she kind of freaked out when I walked into that same place of work to confront her and tell her I was letting the loan default, cutting all ties with the mortgage company and quitting my job. Yeah, I know, I’m still working my way out of that hole, but I know she’s not too happy about her parents’ house receiving constant phone calls over the summer from irate Countrywide Home Loans associates wondering where their money was.

[[END RANT]]

Anyway, here we are. December 2008. My old house goes on auction in a week. There’s a weird part of me that wants to show up and talk to the schmuck that buys it. Hell if I know what I’d say to him, I just want to laugh a little I suppose. Good news for whoever gets it; I left the place in amazing condition. My dad and I, mostly him, spent a great deal of time cleaning that place up and getting it ready for whoever moved in next. I left a broken old desk in the garage, but I’m sure they can deal with that.

So here I am. I’m 28, can’t even afford an apartment to rent, and talking about how I may never buy again. One question comes up frequently in my head: why do we NEED to own property? Must we lay claim to a lot that will most likely not interest us in a few years? If we are looking for a long term secure investment to live in, shouldn’t it be reserved for when we get older? Buying a house in your 20s doesn’t seem like a great idea if you’re living on the typical 20s income. In fact, it’s probably the worst idea ever. There’s a reason there are so many places to rent, and I really wish I had taken advantage of them before I made the critical mistake of buying a house with someone who didn’t intend on paying it.

When I say “I’ll never own property again” it isn’t a statement to the inevitable, it’s a statement to my desires. I’m willing to admit that desires change, and I will be in a different place even 1 short year from now, but as I stand the desire to buy a house is about as low on my list as the desire to have children.

I think I’d rather shoot myself in the foot for real.

Awesome Dreams

2008-12-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Crazy dream time again. Last night I had three that I remember.

First one involved my parents, sister and I sitting around the living room playing a game. We played several rounds; I'm not sure how we pulled it off. The object of the game was to drink this chunky orange liquid and ask each other questions. This liquid evidently makes you vomit uncontrollably. The winner holds their vomit back the longest. I won the first game, but yarl'd all over the kitchen sink in the second one. Of course this was all to the pleasure of the other game players.

Second dream was simply meeting a friend for lunch. We settled on IHOP, but couldn't find it. Turns out IHOP was build into an old office building; 3 stories of really narrow dining rooms. This IHOP also had a decent sized, multi-story parking garage. Strangest of all, it had no signage. You had to find it on your own. Not sure why this was dream-worthy, but hey...I don't choose 'em.

Third dream put me back at my grandparents place. I’ve had many dreams located at this old single-wide trailer, and I’m not really sure why it chooses to be a location time after time in my sleeping brain. Either way, this time around I was in possession of a blue half-crab, half-scorpion creature that, if it bites/stings you, you become bat-shit insane. Not dead, just insane. We threw it in a bathtub, which was in the kitchen for some reason, and eventually I became brave enough to run hot water and watch it go down the drain. Keep in mind, this thing was pretty big, so how it fit down a small drain is beyond me. After I stopped running the water, assuming it was gone, I saw a claw pop it’s way back up through the drain. This is concerning because the way this animal makes you bat-shit insane is by both stinging you with the stinger on one arm, and pinching you with the claw on the other. It takes both. Eventually the thing got its other arm, the one with the stinger, up and through as well. I grabbed a knife and hacked the stinger arm off, and it somehow touched me. Then I went for the claw, which lightly grazed my hand. Now there I was with two arms of this stupid crab animal thing in my hand, scared that I may have been venomized, so I decide to run out into the woods towards this fallen tree/stump thing that would allow me to throw away the arms forever.

There were cats there. Awww…kitty…

As soon as that dream was over, though I don’t actually remember an ending, I woke up. I’m still groggy.

Introspective Post - November

2008-11-28T16:53:00.000-08:00

Here I am at Ocean Shores enjoying time with my family. This place possesses a comforting feeling that few other regions I’ve visited share, and it’s now accentuated by my parents being here. I can honestly say I enjoy every minute of my time spent down here, even in the rough of winter. You see, with winter comes off-shore storms that produce some of the fiercest waves of the year, and they’re an absolute joy to even listen to, let alone watch. I’ll likely head down to the beach once or twice before I leave here on Tuesday.

I know I haven’t been keeping up with this blog lately, and it’s for no good reason really. I’ve found myself stuck in rinse-repeat cycle of late, and I don’t say that as a bad thing. School has been put on hold for a bit while I work towards rebuilding my foundation. I need a secure place to live, and I need to make sure my employment status is as tight as can be. Unfortunately, I’m at a time in my life where I have little to fall back on should I stumble, so I have to make sure I’m as secure as possible.

Life’s challenges aside, I’ve still managed to keep a firm grasp on my introspective “Who am I” thinking. These past two years have leant themselves to a great deal of personal discovery; I’m finding something new about myself almost daily. I consider myself in a rebuilding process, and I’m not unhappy to do the work. Not many people get a chance to step away from the trees to see the forest.

I’ve recently come to a conclusion about myself, how I act. I feel very confident, very happy with how I view people and how I treat people. I lean heavily to the positive side when assessing an individual and that is something I’m immensely proud of. I take a very loving and forgiving approach to people, plain and simple. While I feel wholeheartedly that this personally aspect is a very good thing, it does have one nasty byproduct. Well, I’m sure it has more than one bad part, but one specific problematic aspect is haunting me lately.

I love too easily.

It’s not to say that loving is a bad thing, quite the contrary. My problem is, through all the struggles I’m working through, I still have an intense desire for romance, and while it’s certainly something that should be put on the back burner, I find myself gravitating towards wanting somebody in my life more often than not. There are times where the thought of a companion consumes my thought, and those times are usually spent pretty miserably. Nobody wants to be alone, I just take that thought process to the next level far too often.

Where the “loves too much” comment comes into play is when I meet someone that I’m even slightly interested in. It’s far too easy for me to completely fall head over heels for a woman, regardless of any signs having been given, or any movement having been made in the friendship towards a romantic event. While it’s extremely easy for me to appreciate people, that element of my personality means it’s extremely easy to fall for someone without good reason to do so. For me it’s all or nothing, and most often all.

I guess I can blame this on my relative lack of experience with relationships, or my relative lack of experience with owning my own thoughts and emotions.

Unlike my usual introspective posts on here, I think I have a valid solution for this one. It’s probably in my best interest to suspend any romantic desire for a while, to shut it out and not worry about it, to turn that part of me off. I’ve been able to dampen emotions before, I’m certain I can do it again. Also, I need to make sure my standards for relationship material are set extremely high, as to not fall disappointed again. If I had a way to convince myself to not be attracted to a specific person, whoever she may be at the time, I’d attempt to market it. I’m not the only guy that goes through this thought process.

They always say “a woman will come along when you’re not looking for her”, but it’s impossible to go from one extreme to the other when you’re considerably lonely. Honestly, I think people need to find a point where they’re not co-dependent on that yet-to-exist person, and they decide that they’re good enough as they are. That’s where I’m trying to be, so wish me luck.

On a more fired up note...

2008-09-26T21:36:00.001-07:00

John McCain is absent minded. For him to lambaste Obama's stance on diplomatic talks with Iran and other nations is absurd. He says we'd be accepting their actions by talking with them. By that logic, every time I have a disagreement with somebody, I should stop talking to them.

Simple minded, reactionary politics is running rampant, folks. Don't fall victim.

Who I am, who I was, and why the two are vastly different.

2008-09-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

For all intents and purposes, I was raised a Democrat. My father frequently cited the greatness of John F. Kennedy, and how he sought to change the way this country operated; and subsequently lost his life for such passions. I was instructed of the corruption of corporate puppets like Nixon, and later Reagan, and I was ensured of the failures of a “trickle-down” economic system designed to benefit the top 5% of our economy. I took these ideals into my school age; I remember one specific instance where a high school Social Studies teacher admonished me for my outspoken defense of JFK after he regaled us with tales of his corruption. (I learned one valuable lesson that day that I continue to carry with me. Both political parties will always accuse the other of corruption. Sadly, Ad hominem outranks logic in most political debates.)

Going forward with my youth, political influences grew scarce, as I began to lose interest in most anything involved with higher education, concept, perception or critical thought. As many teenagers are driven by the light wind, so was I. This apathy carried on into my post high school years and into my adulthood. I was more interested in my own workings than anything else. When I met my ex-wife’s family, that all changed.

I made a mistake, several weeks ago, in accusing my parents of a lack of passion. This is simply not true; they are passionate people. My fiery personality is a combination of the both of them, as wonderful as they are, and I’d be remiss to question them as the source of such passion if I continue to boast that I possess same virtue. For a time in my young life, however, I did not share this asset. Rita’s family was extremely passionate in a manner that I was not, and they were extremely quick to show anyone within an ear-shot. This is an element that my parents did not have, they allowed me to grow my own opinions, and I respect them dearly for that.

Her family was deeply entrenched in what I believe is a very cultish branch of Christianity, and they were extremely boisterous about it. This church, and by association this family, was hell bent on converting the world not only to their belief set, but their moral compass. They were convinced that the Christian base of moral beliefs was the foundation by which our country, both future and current, should be governed.

The closer I got to this family, this lifestyle, the more I bought into it. I became part of this system, I felt it enriched my life, and I began to soldier on for such causes. Allow me to make perfectly clear that, while I have personal issues with Christianity, I seek not to distastefully attack its core virtues, as misunderstood as I believe they are. At the core of Christianity stands a set of extremely noble and loving premises; love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek when abused as to show love, place love for others above all else. These are things that any peace-loving individual will smile about; these things warm the heart at its core, and are the basis for great works in the history of man.

This sect of the religion, on the other hand, was at best motivated, but at worst, and more realistically, militant. The church itself was expelled from a major national church organization known as Calvary Chapel because of their harsh tactics. Again, I was part of this machine, willingly and convincingly. Politically, as you can imagine, this church was very right-leaning, as was Rita’s family. It was impressed upon me how important the free movement of economy, the dictation of social elements (held to a specific biblical interpretation, no less,) and the hatred of socialism, as a bastion of Satan, were all things to hold close to my heart. I was regaled the valiant tales of Ronald Reagan, I was taught the beauty and effectiveness of Reaganomics, and I was clued in on the destruction of our country by Bill Clinton.

(I was fed a load of bullshit.)

As time went on, I found myself questioning these things more and more. I found myself suddenly interested in the logic of such decisions, something that would later tear away at the fabric of their premise, yet I continued on for several years in my pursuit of whatever this group told me was correct.

When Rita left me in the spring of 2007, I felt everything crumble away. I distanced myself from her family, from that church, and as time went on; from the ideals that powered them. After healing a bit, after regaining my life and my being, my heart and my mind, I set out to verify every entity of my life. I’ve developed views and stances that would be castigated by that group, and it’s a liberating feeling. I have my issues with religion, issues I’ve come to realize I’ve always had, even through the midst of this aforementioned time. I’ve also, through checks and rechecks, evaluated my position on most every political topic, and my conclusions have been extremely comforting. I am who I was before my indoctrination, and I feel that I’m being true to myself for the first time in my adult life. It’s an extremely liberating, immensely wonderful feeling.

I do not seek to deface the ex’s family, they are full of love and they mean well, but I now vehemently disagree with everything they support. I also have very fond memories of many individuals at the church, even though, once again, I could not land farther away from then in opinion than I now do. Many of the ideals the church holds, however, are so vile that I find myself sickened by them not only because I followed them for so long, but because I see so many people intellectually hindered by similar nonsense, and that saddens me. Socially, we are being destroyed by narrow-minded gibberish.

To hold our nation hostage, bound by one moral standard, is against the basis of our free society. I held such a discussion with my father recently (who has, ironically, developed a very conservative stance on most issues.) For a president to personally abhor an issue such as abortion, or in the case of our conversation; gay marriage is of his or her own personal choice, and they are fully within their rights to feel as such. To govern upon those same principals is to throw reason to the wind in favor of an isolated world view. I cannot subscribe to such politics.

When Barak Obama answered this question, asked of him by Rick Warren “[A]t what point does a baby get human rights, in your view?” with a hand-washing “[That] is above my pay grade”, I applauded him. Not because he dodged the question, but because he realized that as a president, it is not his job to morally dictate to the people of the United States what view is correct, or what view is incorrect, but instead to insist that he both understands that there are opposing views on the topic, and to acknowledge that a law has already been put in place for such a thing. He also made clear that he is not pro-abortion, but that he, in working with the law in place, a law that was said to be constitutional per the Supreme Court, believes we can make great strides in education to limit the occurrences of abortion. I personally am appalled at the idea of a woman killing an unborn child because of irresponsibility, but I don’t believe it’s the US government’s job to dictate when life is present in an embryo, something that theologians and scientists often disagree on, something that is a vast and certain unknown.

It is not the Presidents job to dictate to us which moral ground we should stand on. I want to make that perfectly clear. If you disagree with this statement, my first challenge to you is to explore whether you’re approaching this topic from an isolated world view, or from a logical and philosophical neutral. Just as with politics, everything in life has a particular spin on it. We are better people for taking that spin away when deciding on an issue that will affect people in the great, free America.

I also appreciated his take on gay marriage. He was asked to define married, to which he replied “I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman.” Absolutely, seeing as the raw concept of marriage is rooted in a bond between a man, a woman, and God himself. If you subscribe to Christianity, for example, this union is of great importance. It’s used multiple times in the Bible to metaphorically describe a man’s relationship with God directly. If you engage in a marriage through anything more than a court session, you cannot deny the purely religious implications of the act. The effect, lawfully, of marriage in this country is also a legal joining of two individuals, and that legal joining should be made available to any two people that wish to partake. This is the point I made to my father in our discussion. I emphasized the fact, the greatness, that their marriage is not belittled by a countries law. Even if this country were to outlaw marriage, religious institutions would continue the practice simply because it’s just as much of a faith based expression as it is a joining of two people.

The legal aspect of it, however, must be equally available. If you give an apple to one person, but deny it to another simply on the basis of a singular religious doctrine, you’re inching this nation closer to a theocracy, and farther away from the democracy it intends to be.

Again I strive to make my point as clear as I can. One needs to understand, especially if they are religious, that the sanctity of their union with the God they believe in is not in any way jeopardized by the redefinition of a legal union; just as the proceedings of a house loan do not dictate the heartfelt nature of somebody’s tithing. The separation of these two entities is directly stated in the Bible, (in Matthew 22:21), and is a common theme in many beliefs.

I’m sure there are a few of you out there that will debate these things with me, and that’s perfectly great. The debate of such topics is fantastically welcomed, and embraced as being part of the foundational fabric that makes our society great. Neither of us will die for our beliefs, our stances, and that’s why we’re privileged to be Americans. Understand that I still love you all as friends just the same, even if we are polar opposites on an issue, or many.

If, after reading this, you’re so disgusted in my points of discussion and points of view that you simply cannot speak to me any longer; I hope your proverbial ass is as narrow as your mind evidently is; as the doorways in your life are probably just as thin.

I’ll be writing more about these topics, and I encourage comments.

(Note to the Buffalark, my Blog Coach: Sacky enough?)

To you wonderful Buffalark readers

2008-09-18T18:56:00.001-07:00

The BL, as I like to call him, claimed that I like my blog. He never said HE liked my blog. There's a reason for this, and you'll do well to listen up.

Dude's blog is a work of art. My blog is a work of...mind unloading, bullshit, and other random tripe that, unless you know me, won't be interesting at all.

I'm not trying to cover up for a self-perceived lack of blog quality. I'm trying to tell you that I blog for me, and you can go pound sand.

Now; be nice and name this shit for me.

Campaign 2008: Change The Name

2008-09-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to liquor, an perceived lack of testicles on my part (more on this later), and some hard conversation, it has been stated quite clearly by an interested party that the name of my blog must change, and it must change now. Not because it's awful, quite the opposite actually, I dig the name of my blog. It has to go because it mocks a previously conceived joke.

And that, to the Buffalark, is horse shit. Or Buffalark shit. However you wish to look at it.

Here, for the sake of promotion, is the blog of said Buffalark: http://www.buffalark.blogspot.com/

Go to this blog, read it, comment pithily to his written meanderings. Understand that he is the one campaigning on my behalf to find me a new blog name.

He's the "Big Oil Lobbyist" to my "Under qualified Presidential Candidate."

He's the "Bruce Wayne Endorsement" to my "Harvey Dent DA Candidacy."

Or, as he put it so elegantly, he's the "Sack" for my groceries. You see, Mr. B thinks I lack sack.

He believes in the ol' Bob, obviously,
Because Bob has that rough talent you only see in washed up 30 year old AAA pitchers. He just thinks I lack a sack. Fine, I'll concede.

So, expect the following in this campaign:

A new blog name

And...

A new.....sack....

.....Gross

Palin - An interesting read

2008-09-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

So much has been made of Sarah Palin's "Maverick" title, and she's certainly gained a few fans with her campaign speeches. I found this letter, written by a resident of the small town of which she was Mayor in the late 90s, early 00s, to be interestingly critical of her decisions.

I'm posting this here because I've found that most criticism of her is surface-level complaining about her lack of tenure in public office. I'd rather see substance regarding her record, actions in office, and stances.

This is why I don't like political ads. I want substance.

If I take away one thing from this letter; it's that she certainly seems to be a polarizing figure. People either love her to death or hate her guts.

(For the record, I am staying away from political leanings, save for the realm of personal conversation. While I have my views, this post is clearly for information/entertainment purposes, and I'm not promoting or condemning her candidacy, or eligibility, on this blog. If you want to know my personal take; ask me directly.)

What follows is an open letter written by a resident of Wasilla, Alaska named Anne Kilkenny.

I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child’s favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she’s like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and won’t vote for her can’t quit smiling when talking about her because she is a “babe”.

It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months. She is “pro-life”. She recently gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby. There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby. She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn’t take positions; she just “puts things out there” and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit. Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin’s kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything like that of native Alaskans. Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters. She’s smart.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents. During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a “fiscal conservative”. During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren’t enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn’t even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later–to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once. These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city. As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.

In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today’s surplus, borrow for needs.

She’s not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideasor compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin’s attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the “old boy’s club” when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of “old boys”. Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal–loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the State’s top cop (see below).

As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla’s Police Chief because he “intimidated” her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska’s top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it’s pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn’t fire her sister’s ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn’t like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.

When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job.

In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the “old boys’ club” when she dramatically quit, exposing this man’s ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the “bridge to nowhere” after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects–which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance–but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as “anti-pork”.

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah.

They call her “Sarah Barracuda” because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah’s mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.

As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as “AGIA” that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked toglobal warming. She campaigned “as a private citizen” against a state initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State’s lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior’s decision to list polar bears as threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President. There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she. However, there’s a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.

CLAIM VS FACT

•“Hockey mom”: true for a few years
•“PTA mom”: true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
•“NRA supporter”: absolutely true
•social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconsitutional).
•pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.
•“Pro-life”: mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation
•“Experienced”: Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.
•political maverick: not at all
•gutsy: absolutely!
•open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.
•has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
•”a Greenie”: no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
•fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
•pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.
•pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
•pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla’s history.
•pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn’t make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I’ve always operated in the belief that “Bad things happen when good people stay silent”. Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don’t have a job she can bump me out of. I don’t belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah’s attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

CAVEATS

I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can’t recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall–they are swamped. So I can’t verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my “about 5,000″, up to 9,000. The day Palin’s selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90’s.

Please comment, and feel free to share any and all thoughts on Mrs. Palin. Her selection as VP candidate, by John McCain, has certainly made this political season extremely entertaining, if nothing else.

It's become more entertaining than fiction. Some would argue that it always has been.

Hold on for the ride.

Play time is nearly over

2008-09-10T00:04:00.001-07:00

No more random drunkenness, random fun time, random sleeping too long, random girls/flings, random decisions, or random sleep schedules. No, none of that will fly any longer. I'll have to build myself some sort of schedule if I plan on being awesome, which is the only reason I'm going to school in the first place. Not to say I can't go and have an awesomely fun time on weekends, I'm totally down for that obviously, but I have to make sure my sole focus is on completing my school tasks as best I can, and actually absorbing the skills I'm taught.

I've taken on a rather reckless attitude these last few weeks, but obviously not to any kind of painful degree; I'm only neglecting standard reason, not safety. No red flags needed, rest assured. I think it's a somewhat subconscious recognition that responsibility hides beyond the near horizon, and he and I are about to lock into a battle to the death.

I'm totally looking forward to the challenges my classes present to me. Here's a run-down of what I'm taking...

Math 94: I'm absolutely awful at math. I took my assessment, and failed miserably, so this is my way of brushing up, gaining new skills and getting my head to operate numerically. Good things will come from this.

Technical Writing: The premise of this class is to compose factual documents citing sources properly. At least that's how I see it. I think this will help me greatly in my writing; giving me the knowledge to build a thorough case in an argument, and provide solid statistical analysis for what I'm producing. Cause this is all stuff I totally need in every day conversation, right? I can see it now...

Amandastephandreanisa (girl at bar): "Hey how are you?"
Me: "I'm fine, (Bob: just now)
A: Umm, what?
Me: "I'm totally rad, and I just cited my source. Me. (Me: Just now)"
A: "Blow off, nerdhole."
Me: "Fuck you too. (Your mom: last night)"
A: *slap*
Me: "Ow! (My cheek: just now)"
A: "do me"

This could work out well.

Also, I've signed up for a PE class. The object of this class is to show up at the Gym, and work out. Whenever I can. Whenever I want. I just have to log enough hours. Considering health and fitness is probably my biggest personal downfall, I sought an avenue to improve that as well as my mind this first quarter, and I think I'm setting myself up for some new habits.

See? All in all, these are things that will improve me, and I hope sharpen my mind (and body!) a bit.

T-minus two weeks to impact.

I'm not dead, you're just wanting too much

2008-09-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in over two weeks. This isn't because I hate you, oh non-existant reader, this is just because I've poured myself a fantastically vanilla life-shake lately, and I plan on sucking the bland goodness until September 22nd; when school starts.

So yeah, I can tell you all about the amazing parts of my life...

Like...

I slept in today!

I drank beer on Friday!

I drank beer on Saturday!

I have more fun getting girls numbers than I do actually calling those numbers!

I can match a native New Yorker loud-for-loud in a semi-crowded bar!

I love football!

I love autumn!

I'm spoiled by my Blackberry!

I need new pants!

I'd like to play a video game tonight!

I'm hungry!

I'm addicted to spicy food!

And many, many more...

I'm loving my white bread life right now, so don't ruin it for me by expecting anything!

I'm gonna go grab dinner.

I excersized! No shit!

2008-08-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

So I decided tonight would be a great night to start a new chapter in my life. After all, so much has changed, so much is new, might as well add another thing on. I found a very manageable path near my house that I can walk with relative ease, save for the hill at the start. It murders me. I have no idea how long it is, but it did the job tonight. When I find that I can do it easily, without huffing and puffing, I'll add on to it.

See? Not so bad. I feel amazing after doing it tonight, so much so that I'm considering getting up a little early tomorrow and doing it before work. Not sure how I'll feel about that when the alarm goes off, but it sounds like a great idea right now.

Ok, I'm gonna go get some water.

Perspective is everything; here's why...

2008-08-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

I love psychology. It’s a love I’ve seemed to pick up some time over the last year, but my recent interest has lead me to consider the psychology behind each and every thought, feeling and action I produce. This has been a great opportunity to learn about myself. For anybody that’s been present in my life over the past year or so, you’ll know how the events of 2007 & 2008 have shaped me greatly to be who I am today. I personally feel that I’ve experienced no greater growth in my life than I have over these past two years, and I especially feel like I am smack in the middle of a self learning process that is reaping great rewards. For one, I’ve learned how I handle heartache. This is a feeling I had never had before now, and I did about as well as any first timer can.

Since I’m sure those reading this have talked to me over the last year or so, I’ll assume that you all know what I was up to in February of this year. While my split from Rita was obviously traumatizing, I believe February, and the events thereafter, have provided me with much more substance to work with than the marriage destruction I took part in last summer. You probably know the story already; I threw a craigslist ad out there looking for someone to date. If you want the details of that event, please feel free to ask, but I’ll spare the reader having to read something they’ve already heard a thousand times. What transpired as a result of my ad was so revealing, so earth shattering, and most important; so necessary.

Yeah, ok, so I dated someone. Everyone’s done that, right? This is where, in recollection, one of the most interesting events of my life took place. Jessica was a great gal, and if I were to still be talking to her, I’d love to thank her again for being so awesome for that short period of time that we dated, but she couldn’t compare to the person I created in my head. I created this perfect, infaillible goddess that was capable of no wrong, and had no fault, and I assumed that I would be able to sustain a long term relationship with this goddess despite what any logic would tell me. Logic was absent through this ordeal. The image I created for her was so powerful, so incapable of doing wrong, so amazingly perfect that I placed an unknowable amount of pressure on the entire situation with her, making nearly life-or-death that it succeed.

While she was having fun, I was planning our 20 year anniversary. Well, not ours, not her in particular, but me and dream woman.

This was unfair on so many levels. For one; how was she to compete with this image? I couldn’t imagine how it would have gone had she done wrong or made a huge mistake. Luckily we never reached that point, and I’m thankful; I would have been a bear to deal with. Combine this with the abuse I put myself through, and you had the start of a very volatile personal relationship that would have been doomed from the start. This is all pretty interesting to look at, in hind sight, because I see how my mental patterns lead to me placing these extravagant hats on her. What’s really been an eye opener, however, is how I’ve been since.

Whenever you end a relationship, be it a 30 year marriage, or a 1 month dating experience, you’ll always find yourself recalling events of that relationship, thinking about the person, and questioning the entire thing. Even if the breakup is huge and messy, there’s bound to be thoughts spinning through your head as to what went wrong. Even more if it ends on good terms, however that rarely ever happens these days. Before I dive too deep in how I’ve reacted from March until now, I’d like to zoom back in time to last spring, May of 2007.

When Rita left, I was devastated. As I look back, I realize that it’s not necessarily because I missed her greatly, but instead because I felt that my entire adult structure and system were being destroyed. I was 20 when I met her, 22 when I married her, and 26 when she left. The way I look at it, I only knew adult life with her by my side. When I say my structure was destroyed, I literally mean it. She, our marriage, and all goals related to either one were my entire reason for existence. When this system was put into jeopardy, it was a heavy, crushing blow to everything I knew. I didn’t know how to live without “that.”

I hurt for a while, but I soldiered through it. Any of my friends would most likely be able to recall a time where they talked me through a pretty dark mood on a likely sunny summer afternoon. As days ran into months, those moods became less and less frequent. At the time, I figured I was doing my usual knock-out job of getting over something, but in February, I was made aware that such was obviously not the case. Turns out; I was pushing everything down, not dealing with it all, and attempting to move on, hoping I’d forget about it all.

When I started talking to Jessica on the phone, I felt the butterflies that are so awesome to feel when you meet someone new. These feelings, things that had been absent from my life for so long, really tugged at the “bucket” of feelings that also contained everything I had pushed down. I was about to be forced to deal with everything I thought I had shut down, and it was about to get messy.

As our talks, and eventually dates went on, I latched on like a dirty lake leech, fearing that I would never find anybody so amazing again. I looked at Jessica and saw nothing else in this world. Job: gone, bills: gone, life: gone. Even friends got the shaft, because my world was so narrowly scoped, focused tightly on one clear goal I had set for myself. Bottom line; I was lonely. I was hurting to be wanted again, and she showed interest in me, going so far as to say she was interested in dating further. Everything that had been destroyed, I felt at the time, was able to be rebuilt with one simple addition to my life: her. This is when she took on a bigger persona than she ever intended.

When you look at somebody, or something, with an amazed glow, you tend to smooth over any possible imperfections that it may have. You are, essentially, willing to ignore any faults in favor of the image you hold so dear. In doing this to her, I put myself in a position from which it has taken me months to recover.

When she called that early March evening, I had not heard from her for a few days. Conversation started as usual, but eventually her somber tone of voice led me to understand that something was wrong. Her ex was back in the picture, and she couldn’t shake him. More importantly, she didn’t want to. Honestly, that was the end of it all. We hung out once more, we talked on the phone a few more times, one time specifically in March until nearly 4 AM, and that was that. I haven’t heard a word from her since early May. She has her life to live, and her life does not include me. Hell, I hardly even know her.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been truly suicidal, but I know that the thought crossed my mind several times through that period. Within a matter of weeks, I began to give my things away, walked away from my house, quit my job, and moved in with my parents. I was doing exactly what people do when they’re considering a self-inflicted end to it all, and I’m frankly scared to even think about where I was at the time.

I’d think about her day and night. I’d constantly wonder how I failed, and I’d cry myself to sleep; feeling those feelings of rejection and pain, the worst pain I’d ever felt, happening all over again. I didn’t talk to my parents, or friends, for weeks. I was a wreck, I can’t explain it any further. My memory of her, because of the short nature of our “relationship”, as well as my goddess complex I put upon her, caused me to think of her again as perfect, not human. I felt like I had been left by something bigger than myself, and I will honestly say that it hurt worse than losing my wife less than a year prior.

On a good note, as time went on, I felt better. I’d have down moments, missing her and the excitement of her greatly, but those came less and less. If any of you have had panic attacks, or anxiety attacks, you know how the “end waves” go, in that you’ll come down from the panic only to feel short waves of anxiety that become fewer and further between as minutes go on. It’s like aftershocks, and my heart had several aftershocks, but the event lasted for weeks and weeks.

Now, fast forward. It’s August 8th, 2008. I’m puttering on the computer, where I come across some pictures of her, and immediately I feel physically ill. We’re talking I-Just-Ate-Taco-Bell ill. I felt like I wanted to leave just then, and I felt a small wave of depression that so closely resembled how I felt in March/April. I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me. With my new found love of psychology, I stopped myself to examine why it was I felt this way. The more I thought about it, and the more I looked at her picture, I came to the realization that who I remember, and who she really is, are two different people. I had not reached this conclusion before today. This is a fresh thought, and I consider it a fresh revelation. Sadly, its happened a few months too late to be as effective as it could.

By no means should I ever feel bad about a girl I dated for one month. You don’t get to know somebody very well in a month, think of all your co-workers, people you’ve dated, or people you’ve known, say friends of friends. It’s probably near impossible, emotionally, to feel so strongly about somebody after so short an exposure unless you’re making them out to be something they’re not.

And that’s what I did with her.

Jess, if you ever read this, I’m very sorry. You came to me several times, usually online, trying to find out why I was such a wreck. If you ever stumble upon this, know that the reasons are listed above.

More importantly…

Bob, if you ever read this, I’m extremely sorry. I’m sorry you had to feel so broken, but you need to understand yourself a little better. She was sweet girl, but she didn’t rule the world. Next time, please understand how important it is to pace yourself, and reflect on your situation constantly, without placing fairy-tale level expectations on everything.

John Mayer wrote a lyric towards the end of his song “I don’t trust myself with loving you” that goes “Who do you love? Me, or the thought of me?” I can only imagine what it feels like to be on the receiving end of an undeserved admiration. The thought of her was stronger than the existence of her, and that ratio is what they called a Dolly Parton.

It was bound to fall over.

Thanks, Penninsula

2008-07-30T00:21:00.001-07:00

I was born in Bremerton, WA on October 26th 1980, and outside of the dramatic move to Georgia from 2/05 to 6/06, I have never lived off the Kitsap Peninsula. This weekend will end the streak. I consider the trip to Georgia as an educational trip, since it was only for a year and a half. While there, I learned so much about myself, about interaction with others, about the differences in others and how I should embrace such things, not hate them. As is the case with anybody stuck within their own comfortable confines; life begins to look pretty black and white, often times to a very judgmental extreme. The time spent in Georgia destroyed that for me, and I am extremely thankful.

As of this weekend, I will turn another page, and move myself up to Bellevue. It's awesome on the east side, I absolutely love it there, and I look forward to enjoying my time spent so close to the action. Seattle is only 10 minutes away, and that excites me greatly. I'm hoping to learn as much about myself living in Bellevue as I did in Georgia, even though the change is obviously nowhere near as drastic.

Next up for me is school; starting this fall. I'm sure my life will spiral out of control for a few years, but I'm embracing that as a necessary aspect of self-improvement.

Wish me luck!

Listen to me, damnit!

2008-07-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a vicious lover; in that I shift immediately to 5th gear without checking my speed. I'd go as far as to classify my love life as irresponsible, but not in the loose man-whore sense of the word. No, I'm irresponsible in that I hand myself away quicker than a free sample at Costco, and am often left wondering why they didn't buy the item after enjoying a taste. This is rough on me, obviously, but I'm pretty sure it's not a walk in cake park for anybody else involved. I know there are others like me out there, I know...I've met several of them; and they're amazing people. I'm not tooting my own horn just to make myself feel better, but I really enjoy like-minded and like-passionate folk.

What do I do I when I meet a girl that shakes my socks? I jump head-first into her, not literally of course, and I skip 2nd, 3rd, and 4th gears. As much as a girl would enjoy this once the relationship is moving full speed (I'm a very committed person), I need to learn to enjoy the trip.

So why do I bring this up? Mainly for the sake of self-preservation. Also to lead into my next point. I've become a jaded pessimist when it comes to women.

If any women are reading this, I hope you understand that the usual shit you put a guy through doesn't work too swiftly with a guy like me. You see, I'm different than most, and I've come to love this about myself. I will listen to you from the moment we meet. I will be interested in what you have to say. I will be in tune to your feelings. I'm just that kind of guy, I even hold these qualities with my guy friends. I enjoy conversation, I find it to be the sweetest fruit of life, and I consider myself extremely astute at personal interaction, perception, and judge of mood. Interaction is my hobby.

Yeah, I've been burnt a few times by my own stupid mouth, but I'd rather than than clam up.

So to the next girl that comes along and shakes her amazing personality in my face; understand you don't have to shake the other stuff. I'll most likely be attracted to you for you being you, if you're my kind of you.

Where was this confidence when I was 15?

I didn't invent post-its...

2008-07-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

Like a late-paying renter ducks the landlord, I passed on my 10 year reunion this weekend. As much fun as it would have been to reminisce with the three or four people I remember, I couldn't bring myself to pay good money for the permission to walk into a room and attempt to prove to everyone that I've made it. Sadly; I'm not on the radio yet, I don't have a huge recording contract, my fastball still can't hit 90, I haven't landed any lead roles, and I haven't had any kids. That pretty much excludes me from having anything to talk about at such a thing.

That's one half of the story. That's the half that everyone deals with, right? The other half is that I didn't go to school with those people. After my Sophomore year, I transferred to an alternative branch, isolating myself from the majority of NKHSs' class of 1998. Not to say I didn't know anybody, I'm sure I'd remember faces and names, but I'd have nothing to catch up on, nothing to compare to. I'd be meeting people, essentially, for the first time.

So I hope others had fun at the shindig. It's hard to believe it's been 10 long years since I left the hallowed halls, and here I am going back to school this fall. What a twist.

This Wheel

2008-07-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

My dog just hopped off the bed, which means he either wants some pets, or he wants outside. I usually meed his demand for attention with a few sideways stares, to which he replies with a few grunts. This small, isolated interaction is the perfect peaceful cap to a lazy Sunday.

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, a lazy Sunday is nearly as valuable as paycheck Friday, and twice as comforting. As I age year by year, I find an appreciation for things that previously disinterested me. The aforementioned lazy Sundays, or a fantastic nights sleep. A comfortable pair of jeans, the smell of a rainy morning, even the warm intonations of a loving goodbye on the telephone.

The last one there, that's a tough one. Haven't heard it in a while.

Life is a rolling wheel, as cliche as it seems. I'm becoming more comfortable with the gear changes.

As my life trucks forward I find myself increasingly aware of my satisfaction. Every change I've made has been with the focus of quality of life. Where before, I was worried about meeting so many standards of life, now I feel that I'm working towards achieving quality over quantity, and I'm enjoying myself far more, even though I have far less to show for it. I find myself valuing my own thoughts, my own perceptions, and my own enjoyment in a way I haven't before experienced, at least not as an adult. As adolescents, we're all obsessed with our own perception, but I'd like to think I pull it off much better as an adult.

I cannot express how excited I am about starting school. I'm excited to persue my own thoughts even further, to strengthen my ability to reason, to discover new things. I'm also excited about my re-entry into the rumbling social empire that is college life, not for the drinking and partying, but for the heightened exposure to so many personalities. When I'm exposed to something new, anything new, I am enhanced by it. I'd love to take a snap shot of myself in the here and now, and compare it to myself in 2010.

I think my mind is going into a holding pattern, with my emotions in tow, so I can be fresh and prepared for September. Work is a constant and easy chug-a-lug, as is the commute. All in all I feel as if I'm slowly healing, and I've not felt better in as long as I can remember. I've had a very eventful two year stretch, and it's taught me no lesson more important than the fact that life is a rolling wheel, and sudden change is the motor that keeps it rolling.

"And that's the way this wheel keeps workin' now"

I wont pretend to know what's in the future, but I will pretend to know that I'll enjoy it.

Instead of whining and whimpering, I shoot for smiling and basking. I've sulked before, with only predictable results. Whining and whimpering are only tolerable for so long.

Speaking of which, I'm going to let the dog out now.

Spam Blog

2008-06-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

Hey blog, how goes?

I've tried to pound out a few thoughts, tried to stretch a few topics out to a point where they're worth reading, and worth discussing, but dammit...it just isn't happening. I can't seem to get my mind to debate itself, or at least reason with itself, in order to produce an objective product for you, my faithful 3 readers, to digest. So in honor of my minds seemingly unannounced vacation, I'll lay out a few random thoughts, a few off-the-wall observations, and maybe an old school shout-out or two.

I'm a punctuation whore. I can't get enough of this shit: :;,.'"-. I'm obsessed with putting random dots, dashes and slashes around my words. My mother said she got majorly knocked by her college english professor for using too much punctuation. I. Have, seemingly; adopted: this-same problem!.

I've been meaning to play a lot of video games lately. Ever herard anyone say that? Thing is, I have several games to play, to finish, and I need to get to it. Considering how broke I am, I'd be well advised to suck as much enjoyment as I can out of these already-owned games and enjoy the free entertainment. My problem isn't that I don't have the games to play, it's that my fucking A.D.D. kicks in after an hour or two and I have to shut them off. I don't know what it is about my mind that has to have conistantly refreshed stimulation to function at peak performance, but I hate the grey blobby son of a bitch sometimes.

I keep shining my iPod with a lint-free cloth, because it makes my hand happy. Also my eyes. Now that it's all glossy and nice looking, I think I'll cram it back into it's hard plastic protective shell, covering up my polishing work.

I've been listening to a ton of John Mayer lately. I really do enjoy his song writing ability. Most of his music keeps me in a calm and relaxed mood, which is a stark contrast to the stuff I usually spin.

Listen to this video while you read the rest of my blog:

The excitement of my Sunday was when I transfered all my files from external hard drive A to external hard drive B, then reformated external hard drive A to a new beautiful NTFS file format. Nerd.

Iced tea is the shit. I drink it nightly. It makes me pee a lot. Since I'm working on this diet, I can't have sugar in it, so I'm having to get used to unsweetened iced tea. It ain't bad, but it doesn't have the chincy panazz. Needs more zazz.

This one time I....no wait...that wasn't me.

I've been kicking around the idea of getting a new phone lately. Why? Because I find my current phone boring. Does it work? Yeah. So why do I need a new phone? Cause I do.

I'm leaning towards saying that I like Facebook better than Myspace. I feel like my IQ, when using Facebook, is hovering around typical adult level, while Myspace makes me feel like a 14 year old cuss-mouthed runt. Myspace is for attention whores.

Ok I've rambled enough. As good conversation comes my way, I promise I'll put something of worth up here. For now, I hope you've enjoyed my scatterbrain.

Done with being fat - more of a rant than a real post.

2008-06-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm tired of being a fat guy. Strange as it may seem, it does gain me an odd sort of social acceptance, but that acceptance comes with an expectation of entertainment.

Fat people are supposed to be funny.

And why I embrace the funny fat guy role, I'm tiring of it. I don't feel it suits me. I feel like I'm a bit of an athlete, yet I'm pissing away the years of my physical prime. I have such a desire to play competitive basketball again, such a desire to play softball again, such a desire to be physically desirable to future-girl, whenever we meet and start dating. I have roughly 100 lbs to lose to reach my goal weight range, and then I'd like to lose more beyond that if I'm still too soft. The thought of wearing clothing that's somewhat form-fitting, yet attractive is foreign to me. Everything I wear is designed to hide what I have.

So here's how it's going to work. I love carbs. Bread carbs, not sugar carbs. I love breads, chips, crackers, anything grain. To lose weight; I need to cut my carb intake greatly. When you stop and think about a low-carb diet, however, you think of salads, white meats, lots of water, things that generally bore me. The challenge is to muscle past the boring-food problem and get to a point where you eat to sustain yourself, as opposed to eating for enjoyment. If I could only kill the enjoyment factor completely, I'd be set for life. Just pack a few food-bits in bags and make me eat them at certain times, problem solved. If anybody knows of a way to acheive this, let me know!

Now to the meat (or bread) of my plan. I need to cut out the following

-Bread of any kind
-Crackers of any kind
-Chips of any kind
-Sugar in general
-High carb veggies like corn

Wraps are ok, as I figure the amount of carbs in a wrap is small, and it's purpose (hold my food together) is good, so it's alright. I mean, if the only carbs I eat all day are in a wrap shell, I'm golden. Chips and Crackers are the hardest thing for me to walk away from. This mainly effects me late in the night, before I go to bed I get munchy. Tonight, for example, I grabbed some crackers and snuck back into my room. Not good.

I know this post is rambling a bit, but I'm quite frustrated with myself right now. Back in January & February I was able to lose 40lbs on a low carb diet. I know I can do it, I've seen myself do it, I just have to buckle down and make it happen.

Wish me luck, cheer me on, help me out, and give me ideas if you like! My goal is to be a new Bob by Christmas.

Thanks for reading.

Old Man Car

2008-06-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

I had my brakes done today, and I must say they did a helluva job. For the last few months I've had to endure my steering wheel's epilepsy every time I'd slow down from freeway speed, and after a recent slam-on-that-ol'-pedal event on I-405, I realized that my confidence in my cars stopping ability was little to none. They simply turned my rotors and shored up the back drums a bit, but it made a great difference.

Well, to get my brakes done, I swapped cars with my dad. He was nice enough to take my car in at 1pm while I drove his behemoth 2005 Mercury Grand Marquis to Bellevue and back.

I cannot believe a car like that still exists. I understand the quality of the automobile in general, at least from a size/power perspective, as the "Interceptor" has been a pretty solid unit for police and taxi companies for years now, but it's a car that severely suffers from lack of innovation in design. My pa argued a fair case; it's big, safe, reliable for the most part, comfortable, and easy to get into. While these things are true, I can't help but feel like I'm driving something yanked unwillingly out of 1975 and thrust into modern day simply to appease the outgoing generations desire to stifle any possible change in their daily lives.

So that very thought sent us all into a pretty quality conversation about the pending change in guard of generations, and the differences from one to another. I made the point that their generation, the Baby Boomers if you will, are probably the last generation to be greatly plagued by the fear of change. Consider the average life of the average 60-something person, and compare that to the rapid change in pretty much everything over even the last 10 years. What's that quote about the gathering of information, and how we double the amount of info we know every five years or so? I'm sorry for butchering a factoid here, but my point is to point out the rapid progression of our society as opposed to the lack of progression in their generation, and the generations before them. In short; I'm saying that our lives, as 20-somethings and 30-somethings have been nearly riddled with change, so much so that we're not only accustomed to it, but we see it as part of our lives. We'd be lost without it. How can this not carry into our elderly years? I propose that we'll be the first generation that actively pursues current innovation well into our retirement years.

I can hardly get my father to use the computer correctly.

Getting back to that car, the proof is in the interior. The dashboard runs from side to side in a straight line, with no real discernible feature. This was a popular style mechanic in the 70s, as you'd be hard pressed to find a car with anything remotely resembling a cockpit in that era. The seats, as you'd expect from this design style, are classic 50/50 bench, clad in leather, with swing-down arm rests in the middle. There's a huge hump in the middle that instantly reminds me of riding in my grandfathers mid-70s Ford LTD. The back seat is roomy, of course, but again serves better as a time machine than a people mover. The trunk is even dated. It's massive, you could fit 2 or 3 bodies in there, and like the hood, it protrudes way out. I parked the thing next to a new Lincoln Navigator, and they were roughly the same length!

The best part of the conversation was when I pulled up some statistics on other full size cars available. The new Honda Accord has a much more enveloping interior, gets better gas mileage, and has more power in it's V6 than the big block V8 in the Merc. The new Taurus, a nice car actually, has more power again, better leg room both front and back, and has a huge front door, making it easier to get in to. We looked up the stats on a few other cars, coming to a rather blunt conclusion. Cars like the Grand Marquis were designed to placate the fear-of-change crowd, as I said above, and nothing else.

I suppose there's been a market for things like that in every era, from cars to clothes to household appliances.

I like the thought that it could all end with my generation.

PS: I drive a 1996 Accord. I like it.

Children & Vegetables

2008-06-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

I've never been totally sold on the idea of having children. As a teenager, I loathed children, as most adolescents do (too close to home?) yet I figured I'd one day have some of my own. Not shocking when you consider how fondly most folks speak of the "American Dream" and the details within. When I married my ex, I figured that was my first step towards an American family, and that things would progress as they should.

Now that I'm older, single and approaching my re-education, I find the idea of children frighteningly unappealing. For one, I cannot imagine being able to provide the level of dedication required to properly raise a child. Having the opportunity to visit so many homes over the last few years, with my old job, I was able to see just how varied people's views are when considering the correct way to raise and care for their child. I'm even often puzzled when seeing friends deal with their little ones. Do you forcefully command things with a heavy hand? Do you show soft love even when the child does wrong knowingly? Obviously these are not profound questions, as they are two of millions of questions just like it, but excuse me if I'm exhausted already.

In casual conversation I go so far as to say I "hate" children. Honestly, I don't hate children. I have no ill will towards the chronologically disadvantaged folk, heck they're even kinda cute. When I speak so evil towards children, it's merely a dramatization of my disdain towards a life lived behind a picket fence. Therein lies the root of all this.

It's not that I don't like children; it's that I don't like what they represent. Here, let me list a few things that I want no part of:

- Family life
- Long-term relationships
- Huge mortgage
- 9-5 plodding life just to suffice
- The American Dream

See the pattern? Well, I kinda killed the pattern with that last one. D'oh. I presented this topic to my folks again this afternoon over iced tea and dog-watching. My mom laughs at my foot-down approach, and I can imagine I probably sound like a sniveling brat saying "I'LL NEVER LIKE BROCCOLI" when I talk like this, but I cannot muster up so much as acceptance of possibility when it comes to this issue.

So instead of bagging on kids and family life, let me talk a little about what I DO want.

- Mental growth
- Personal challenge
- Deeper understanding of things
- Excitement
- Expansion of mind

Again, see a pattern? Obviously I'm looking to gain something I don't have the ability to fabricate. I woke up this morning after having a dream about nearly missing a class because I was doing something else. As I type this, I'm thinking about a fitting metaphor for the whole thing, but I'll save that for later. The amazing part about this dream is the feeling I woke up with. I was absolutely excited about being in school. Period. I was exited as heck about doing something so grand for myself. I was excited to have the simple chance to be late for class. Once I was awake for a few seconds, and reality hit me, I was bummed it wasn't real. That's something usually saved for dreams about girls.

There's so much I want to do in the coming years. Knowing I'll have the chance to do these things drives me through each and every day. For whatever reason, I see family issues as a hindrance. Maybe it's a tale of two extremes. Maybe I'm running from something I've seen broken before my eyes.

Maybe I'll grow out of this phase too, and add a few more rungs to my tree.

After all; I sure do love broccoli.

Welcome

2008-06-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is my new blog. Whereas my Myspace blog is full of ramblings, this site will be actual entries of thought.

See you soon.